Be gentle with me…This was a big week and today a big day! It was the end of my chemo treatment. It’s weird because all day, week, and writing it now it feels “jinxy”. Like, don’t say it, because something might change. Despite having a great response to chemo in tumour reduction, and total reassurance from the oncologist, right now, I still have a cancer.
So - the end of chemo- what does that mean?
A celebration- yes- we are at the end of the first of 4 phases. But, just like a triathlete (yes, I know that’s 3 I'm not totally losing it)… at the end of a swim you cheer for them, congratulate them, but don’t put the medal on them declaring a win. They, I, still have a long way to go. I know the next phases look different... surgery, radiation, reconstruction… but the mistake I made going into chemo was an elevated expectation of what I could do, so I am optimistically cautious.
The end of chemo mean no more bi-weekly visits to the chemo suite seeing the amazing team, of whom, I have become incredibly fond. No more hours in the chair, Benadryl naps, fears that my port won’t work and need for "draino" ( the stuff they put into the port isn't draino for goodness sake, but basically does the same trick to unblock it).
It means no more 3 attempts to get blood because my veins are shot, visits with my amazing oncologist, opportunities to ask ALL the questions (mostly Joel!!!!), and for me, good news that we are improving.
It means no more steroid loading, anti-nausea meds, post-chemo injections to stimulate my bone marrow and give me mind blowing pain that you can barely touch my body. Followed by more drugs that change my taste buds and give me heartburn.
It also hopefully means that, in time, the numbness in my feet and hands will come back and the spine spasms will subside… More about Peripheral Neuropothy, for those interested
Finally, it means NO more PORT!!! And looking longingly at Izzy's vet kit on the bad days and wanting to remove it myself!
All things to be celebrated.
But here is why I need you to be gentle…
The road is still long and complex, with ever-changing bits (more to come next week) and still lots of unknowns when it comes to the finer details.
I still have no hair, minimal eyebrows and, as of this week, no eyelashes.
The addition of 20- steroid, anti-estrogen, 7-weeks-on-the-sofa and in bed- pounds.
Little energy. Don’t get me wrong I am a different woman to 8 weeks ago, but pre-chemo Katie is still in hiding (for now, she will be back!!!)
I know I'm going to try and do too much, because that’s who I am and will pay the price (probably more than once).
I will try to manage the emotional baggage myself, for my family, and for you, my friends, who know this ain’t over yet!!!
Control… I don’t have any… this amazing team of medical professionals are in charge, and I will to the T, follow every instruction they give me for the best fighting chance. Now, don’t get me wrong there are days with options… but often not the decisions anyone hopes to have to make.
So, all in all, this is me saying I am celebrating, in my own calm, non-energy burning, simple way as I glance back at how far we’ve come and glance forward to what still remains.
Now ever the optimist, I saved the best piece for last…my celebration is actually a little more than that… but again is approached with excitement and hesitation.
In February of this year, I was supposed to travel back to the UK to see the fam jam! A way overdue trip for mom, Izzy and I, for some serious chin-wagging and tea drinking. I had to lie (bend the truth, I like to say) to mom as to why we couldn’t book, because tests were still outstanding and Joel and I were doing our best not to ruin Christmas.
That’s the long way of saying in June, mom, Iz and I are heading to the UK and home via France for some hugs, tea, baby snuggles and a little retail therapy!!!!!! As we plan, we know it already isn’t enough time, especially as my energy levels still aren’t (and won’t) be back but it’s a start. A little taste of normal in the chaos. Where is Joel? Holding down the fort with Miah and taking a short fishing trip with his dad that was booked last year. He is torn and wants to do both, but as my primary caregiver and all round get shit done guy, he needs to recharge before surgery the week after I return.
Thank you guys so much for following along on this journey… I am blessed to have you all. And don’t worry, we will be celebrating in style… just a little further down the path!!!
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