When people find out I have Breast Cancer I am often told and asked a number of weird things, but the one things I never mind sharing is "How did you find it?".
At first, is was very awkward to speak about my boobs and very specifically, my nipple. It felt weird and incredibly personal, but in my mind, if this story helps one person then it's worth the cringey feeling!
So lets go back to October of 2022...
I was approaching my 40th birthday and wanted to celebrate in style. Now, in style can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people but for me, an incredible opportunity had landed in my lap. I had been asked to compete in "Dancing with the Stars" benefiting Easter Seals as a "celebrity". I say celebrity in jest, as my husband calls me this all the time, simply because we live in a small town and I don't go far without knowing someone. I have been dancing Latin styles since I was 30, and love it so, so much. A party, for a cause, with some dancing, going outside of my comfort zone, and NOTHING I had to plan- perfect.
I had, however, noticed I wasn't quite as fit as at 30 (or so I thought) with achy muscles in my back and chest. Holding a frame works muscles I certainly don't use everyday. The event went off without a hitch and $10,000 was raised for incredible youth to attend an all access camp! Awards, celebrations, hugs... a week passes. "Man," I think. "These muscles must have got a heck of a work out."
One day not long after, I was stood in the hall at work, hanging outside my colleague's door, and I vividly remember feeling pain in both boobs. Realizing this wasn't going away, I reached out to the doctor and booked an appointment.
My "doctor" (no doctor) friend Sal telling me with confidence, "well it can't be Cancer because that's not a symptom" and we laughed off getting older, being 40, menopause, hormones and all of that fun stuff.
Days later I looked down at my right boob and noticed at the base of the nipple a slight "pulling in" (nipple inversion). For all the women out there who have worn a tight fitting sports bra you know sometimes boobs take time to "unfold" after such torture. But it wasn't that. I felt around (I always feel around), and no specific lumps or bumps or at least what I would expect to be looking for.
Back in 2008, I had gone to the doctor as my boobs felt lumpy. I had an ultra sound and I was given the best and worst information ever. I had fibrous tissue- dense breasts. What that meant is since 2008, I have checked my breast but felt reassured that every tiny lump and bump was just my tissue. Until now it wasn't. I sometimes reflect would I have done anything different if I wasn't told this, and quite simply the answer is no.
My doctor has known me for almost 20 years. My appointment was November 22. The usual lovely greeting, gown, feel around, telling the story just as above, and a referral to Mammogram and Ultra Sound. The appointment came in for December 15.. Off I go, boobs squished, pictures taken, hot gel, more images... ding, ding, ding from the ultra sound and thinking it's way cooler when you get baby pictures than boob pictures. Dressed, home and off you go.
Now, I need to take a side line and I am going to give advice. It's not going to happen often, SO LISTEN UP. For every person who says to me, "I don't have time to get a mammogram", "I hear it hurts", well folks, reality check. Even if it does create some discomfort, it is nothing compared to cancer treatment, and you don't have time? What you don't have time for is Cancer.
Apologies if that sounds harsh - but it's the truth- now back to the story.
I am the kind of person who takes a pretty logical approach to things. I would put on my resume, "problem solver", "strategic" and a slew of other buzz words alluding to the same thing. I would say that I deeply believe knowledge is power, and for this and many more reasons, I eagerly awaited the results. I had signed up for pocket health (online medical reporting from most major public institutes) to get my imaging and report. On December 23 the report in and we got a call from doctor. "Can you come to chat?"
I had anticipated heading in by myself, telling Joel not to worry. It was the Friday before Christmas and the schools were off, so Izzy was home. I read the report and called the neighbour. "Can you have Izzy?" As I knew then and there, Joel needed to come. Not for me, but for him.
Report: Mass 12.1cm x 10.3cm x 9cm... mass 2.4cm x 1.1cm x 1.1cm... mass 1.6cm x 1.3cm x 0.9cm
Reports are a blessing and a curse, because a little knowledge can be dangerous (and the Pocket Health pop up says that far more eloquently). Luckily, I had only hours to wait before the report was delivered and I saw the doctor who confirmed, yes, there is a mass that is basically your whole right boob, and yes, there are two smaller masses too. Presumed Cancer. It was at this moment I knew, I was ready and I was emotionally moving to "what next?"
Joel, the optimist, says, "So, there's a chance it's not?" About a 1% chance... he was going to take it.
I have cried so little during this process and often about very weird things! Screaming (with no voice) for people to get out of MY KITCHEN, when I could barely stand mid-round 1 of chemo would be one. But the most meaningful tears were those briefly shed opening my neighbours' door to Izzy. What if she grows up with no Mom? It was a fleeting moment. A defining moment. A horrifying moment and one I knew I had a choice, choose positivity or don't.
Many, many years ago my grandfather was diagnosed with a form of Leukemia. He was a very stereotypical older British man, who I loved but could be a little crispy. His doctor (of decades) told him "his attitude would kill him long before the Leukemia would" and if that was the case, then mine would keep me alive.
There is, was, no choice, I knew it was going to be hard, but my positivity and outlook were- and continue to be my weapon.
Resources
Canadian Cancer Society - All about Breast Cancer (and other cancers too!)
A huge thanks to our friends at Coppafeel.org (don't we love Birtish humour) for this awesome image! Check out their website for more great info too...
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